The Devil's Wiki

Diary: Diary (n.) A type of virtual Bitchtorrent peer invented by a frustrated teenage girl.

While many people consider diaries to be a normal part of teenager life, it is a provable fact that these were unknown in past times, say 10,000 years ago. Rather than a quaint attempt at self-documentation, diaries may better be seen as a sign of trouble in the life of a young growing woman. Specifically, a female who has access to sufficient Bitchtorrent peers will maintain a healthy store of up-to-date torrents, and high upload ratios, giving her a good social status and high self-esteem. However, an isolated young woman, lacking in sisters, female cousins, and close female friends, will create an imaginary Bitchtorrent peer with whom to create a persistent bond. "Dear diary…"

While there is no direct harm in considering a diary to be a better listener than, for example, one's parents, the indirect damage can be significant and long term. First of all, diary writers will suffer from low self-esteem, having no human peers to help in self-evaluation. This low self-esteem will translate into poor choice of friends, subjects of study, husband, and eventually, interior decorations.

Second, failure to practice real Bitchtorrent at a young age makes females somewhat incompetent at navigating the real world, when they finally leave home. A common coping mechanism is male mimicry, in which a female learns Woofing, seeks employment in a pack structure (that is, a traditional business or bureaucratic setting), and attempts to find self-esteem by competing with males. This strategy is generally guaranteed to fail, leaving the female at thirty with no partner (since family and work do not mix), and unable to get one (since men do not enjoy women who speak Woofing back to them).

Incidentally, even females who do not keep a diary and who establish good Bitchtorrent networks while young, will find their share ratio falling if they invest significantly in male mimicry in a pack structure.

Thirdly, since Bitchtorrent serves as the principle conduit for information about the world, women who do not build healthy Bitchtorrent networks will make errors of judgment based on inadequate information and wrong assumptions. Such as, "I know he loves me, he told me so." To which a real Bitchtorrent peer would reply, "Don't fool yourself, sister, he just wants you to sleep with him," and back that up with the relevant stories. The diary is thus the silent partner in the misery of many young and confused women.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly from an overall socioeconomic perspective, the failure of a significant proportion of individual Bitchtoothing networks represents a systemic failure of an important aspect of social fabric. A society dominated by Woolfing speakers, lacking the balance that Bitchtorrent networks provide, will be efficient but will also be stupid, and commit ghastly mistakes on a massive scale.

Luckily the 21st century discovered how to make Bitchtorrent work over the Internet, giving us Facebook and Myspace.

Without technological assistance, women will establish persistent peering relationships only with a small number (half a dozen or so) high-value peers. Modern "social networking" software (this common label ignores the essentially gender-oriented nature of the scenario) lets women scale their network to hundreds of lower-value peers, which has been very bad for the diary business, but good for young women everywhere, as well as fun for many men who have found that such web sites let them speak fluent Bitchtorrent, with almost no effort.

Having said all this, it remains a crime of theft (of information value, in the Bitchtorrent sense) for anyone to read another person's diary, unless the writer is a historical figure. Parents who find diaries in their daughters' drawers should under no circumstances read them. They should however take the time to establish a Bitchtorrent channel, starting with the offering of rich and valuable information. To the father who asked his pregnant teenage daughter, "why did you not tell me you had a boyfriend?!", the girl may accurately answer, "because you never told me anything intimate about yourself".